I know someone who…

I’ve been robbed of my boards. I used to love Pregnancy boards. Hundreds of women posting all sorts of details on the web as part of an on-line pregnancy or parenting community. They were lovely, enthusiastic places for young women to bond over their pregnancies.

But I stick out like a sore thumb. Over 35. Divorced… on some boards there aren’t many working moms, either. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable with boards now. Maybe it’s because it seems like there are few women like me out there. Maybe it’s because I feel jaded; I’m not handing out sticky vibes and baby dust. Maybe it’s because the other mothers don’t quite know what to make of me (you mean women over 35 have sex?!?!)

I want a place where I can talk about all the things a mature, working mom has to face. How much the miscarriage and congenital issue stats completely freak me out. How long I’m hoping to hide the fact I’m pregnant from my employer. How much I miss coffee. How on earth will I tell my kids? What will happen to my career? What will happen to my body? Will my partner hate me for this?

Most of all… I worry that I’ll become that annoying, completely unfair but oft-repeated tale that will forever be offered to women suffering from infertility - “I know someone who got knocked up at 40 and they were using birth control – so you can certainly get pregnant if she could.”

Peesticks

I know “peesticks” isn’t the most elegant name… but that’s what everyone calls them.

The top test was done at night – and there was a very faint vertical line (+) so I decided to test again the next morning. The middle test – first thing in the morning. (strongest HCG concentration) and it was a definite positive. The third test was done a couple days later in the middle of the day (HCG concentration isn’t as high in the middle of the day) so the test was a little fuzzy but it’s still +

Odd note, the two bottom tests were the same store brand EPTs – I guess they’re in the middle of changing their design from pink to purple… The top test is the ubiquitous Clear Blue Easy.

Background

I’ve had a few challenges in my mothering career, and they’ve shaped who I am and what I believe. I’ve survived infertility, a special needs child, complications, divorce and single parenthood. I am a completely different person now than I was when I first started on this journey.

Just before I became a mother everything seemed so justifiable, so definitive. I was so certain that everything I believed was perfect… and then I discovered that I was wrong about just about everything. Living through the realities taught me how anemic “what ifs” were. Knowledge was not wisdom, it was just comforting justifications. I knew nothing about the depths of emotion, endurance and wisdom that challenges can bring.

I’m hoping life threw the vast majority of challenges my way early in the game and I can coast from now on.

Not really.

I’m grateful for the challenges I’ve faced – I like who I am now much more than who I was.

But a vacation would be nice, too.

I’m what?

I’m “twoplusanother”, at least for now. I’m not quite ready to go public.

I’m a 40-something, professional mom of two.  I’m in the middle of a divorce that was long overdue. I have a new partner that I met years after my ex and I separated… and now I’ve discovered I’m pregnant.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle all of this.

OMG it was +